What Does It Really Mean to Have a Highly Sensitive Child? A Parent’s Complete Guide
You Already Know Something is Different
Have you ever found your child crying on the ride back from school, and you were unable to figure out why? Or has your child ever refused to join a party even when it was seemingly enjoyable for everyone else? Then you should know that while this may signify the different threshold that your child possesses for sensory stimulations, it is nothing to worry about! As a parent, not fully knowing what your child is going through can be confusing and exhausting at the same time as you try to make things work on your own. But you’re not alone! At Rooted Rhythm, our goal is to help you learn more about your child and how these sensitivities can be a blessing in disguise. This might be new to you, but hold on tight as we take you through a journey of understanding, recognising, and supporting your highly sensitive child.
Why That Instinct Is Worth Trusting
Being a parent is so much about coming up with a schedule and adhering to it, taking care of your child and their needs, and showing up with consistency. But there’s another key to parenting that guides many of our decisions, and that is your gut instinct! When you feel that something is not quite okay, then you’re probably right, even if you have nothing to prove it with. Gut instinct does not follow questions and reasoning; it just is there. And a parent's gut feeling is almost always real.
What a Highly Sensitive Child Actually Is
According to Dr Elaine Aron, an American psychologist, a highly sensitive child is someone with an innate sensory possessing sensitivity. This simply means that these children deeply process emotions that we might think of as superficial; they have high emotional reactivity, empathy, and might be more prone to overstimulation. This may be present in up to 15-20% of children, so it is not as rare as you may think.
The DOES Framework: Four Core Traits
D: Depth of Processing
Highly sensitive children often reflect deeply about situations and experiences. They will think of all the different possibilities and perspectives, as a result of which, they have deeper insight. So, a simple first day of school for everyone else might be an extremely emotional affair for them.
O: Overstimulation
Since your child notices everything deeply, this means that they will also observe inanimate things, too, like sounds, smells, textures, and colors. Loud and chaotic environments, such as birthday parties, can thus overstimulate their sensitive nervous systems.
E: Emotional reactivity/ Empathy
Highly sensitive children are very empathetic! A friend scratching their knee or their younger sibling crying to play with them can all invoke a very emotional response from them. They are deeply affected by what others around them feel, which can lead to emotional exhaustion.
S: Sensitivity to subtleties
They notice everything. The music in the birthday party that just got louder, the way their friend is speaking to them during a fight, or how the temperature changed during their playdate. They also pick on non-verbal cues like your facial expressions on a particularly tough day, and such other moments that we might miss.
12 Signs Your Child May Be Highly Sensitive
There is no one way to be a highly sensitive child! Many children display different attributes of a highly sensitive child, which may or may not look like those of their peers. If you have just embarked upon this journey of learning more about your child, here are some signs that may help you figure out if your child is highly sensitive:
Unexpected Emotional Outbursts:
You may find your child rolling on the floor, throwing a tantrum at the mall when you really can’t figure out what went wrong. Such emotional outbursts may be triggered by any kind of sensory stimulus that you might not have noticed.
Easily Startled:
Highly sensitive children are always aware of their surroundings and so even the slightest shift around them can startle them easily. Like a loud thunderstorm or someone shutting the door loudly. You might see them flinch or step back when such things happen.
Specific Clothing Preferences:
There might be a particular shirt that your child always steers clear of. Or a sock that they hate to put on and will cry if made to do so. If this happens with your child, then it's good to know that it might be the texture that they find disturbing.
Avoid Crowded Places:
Your highly sensitive child may avoid crowded places, like malls, museums, and even birthday parties of their bestest friends. Avoidance may look like not wanting to go or hiding out when present in crowded places. This is mostly because of how overstimulating crowded environments can get.
Highly Empathetic:
Highly sensitive children have the ability to relate to someone on a deeper level. You might hear them talk excessively about an event that moved them, or see them going above and beyond for someone they care about.
Need for Downtime:
When highly sensitive children have been exposed to stimulating environments for more time than they are used to, they usually resort to moving away from that place. If you have ever had guests over at your house and you found your child in their bedroom after a while, then they’re probably getting their downtime.
Observant:
Highly sensitive children are able to observe the tiniest of details, both good and bad. The new wall painting, a different seating arrangement, or, if you’re in a slightly bad mood one morning. Better believe that they will know!!
Thoughtful Questioning:
‘How did the earth come into being’ or ‘What is justice?’ are certain thoughtful questions that a highly sensitive child may ask. Because of their tendency to analyse things in great detail, such children are always on the lookout for answers that support their inquisitive thought process. This is why they appear to be wise beyond their years.
Resistant to Change:
A good, consistent routine is what soothes and regulates their sensitive nervous system. So a new route to school or a different kind of cereal in the morning could lead to an unexpected disapproval. Most things out of the routine may introduce sensory stimuli that they are not used to, which can be an unpleasant feeling for them.
Refuse to Rush:
Since they have great attention to detail, highly sensitive children like to take their time with most tasks that they are involved in. Like card making or doing their homework, in which they do not like to be rushed, and the mention of any sort of time limit may lead to a breakdown.
High Pain Perception:
Not only do they notice ailments of others, but they are also particularly conscious of their own illnesses as well. A minor paper or a knee scratch can invoke pain that may seem out of the ordinary to us.
Seek Perfectionism:
Your child has a unique eye for all things around them, so you shouldn’t be surprised if they take longer than usual to set their bed, get ready, or simply find themselves engrossed in their school project.
What High Sensitivity Looks Like at Different Ages
Toddlers:
If you’re parenting a toddler with high sensitivity, you might have noticed that they get startled easily when there’s noise around them or when they are taken into a space with bright lighting. They also have intense separation anxiety since a change in usual surroundings can be difficult to deal with, so leaving them even for a little amount of time can appear challenging.
School going:
Kids who have just started school are often dealing with new experiences, like friendships and conflicts, classroom activities, and structured playtimes. While all of this can be quite exciting, for highly sensitive children, this may be overstimulating. This may lead to emotional breakdown after school, refusal to go to school, and struggle with conflicts with their peers.
Preteens:
By the time your children reach their preteens, they will have developed a more complex thinking process. They will ask you deeper questions and have strong views on matters like justice and equality. Preteens also develop a stronger sense of self and often need downtime after intense periods of socialising, like a school party.
What High Sensitivity Is NOT
Children with high sensitivity are many times mislabelled or categorised into a specific category where they do not belong, due to our lack of understanding of kids with sensory processing sensitivity.
High sensitivity may look like attention deficit hypersensitivity disorder (ADHD), but it is quite different! ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that is characterized by impulsivity and problems with focusing on simple tasks. On the contrary, your highly sensitive child does not have focus issues; they are just too aware of their surroundings, and they avoid overstimulation as opposed to kids with ADHD who may often seek it.
Sensory processing disability (SPD) is another neurological condition where the brain struggles to process the sensory information around it, like sounds and lights. They might be hypersensitive or hyposensitive to their surroundings as opposed to highly sensitive children. SPD can be disruptive and is a disorder unlike high sensitivity.
It is also important to understand that your highly sensitive child just has a different outlook on life. They look at things differently and process them on a deeper level. It is something that makes them who they are and not a result of bad parenting!!
The Science Behind Why Your Child Feels Everything More Deeply
Your child views the world with extra sensitivity, and there is a reason behind it! It is not an imaginary notion that some people might think of it as.
‘Mirror neurons’ are specialized brain cells that quite literally ‘mirror’ what’s in front of them. From the emotions of other people to sensory stimulation in the environment. Your sensitive child has a highly active mirror neuron network, due to which they are able to quickly understand and develop empathy with the people around them. They can feel others’ emotions as if they were their own.
Highly sensitive children usually have a tough time building routines and settling in new environments. They require the right support to thrive, just like an orchid! On the other hand, most kids are like a dandelion, resilient and adapting to the environments that they are placed in. This orchid vs dandelion theory explains how a highly sensitive child is not an anomaly, just different.
The Gifts Your Child Is Already Carrying
Highly sensitive kids are gifted because of their ability to see the world at a deeper level. The traits that the world views as ‘difficult’ are actually an asset if given the right support. Here are all the qualities that make them unique:
Empathy:
Your highly sensitive child can deeply feel what others around them are going through. They are aware of others’ emotions, which makes them really thoughtful and caring human beings.
Creativity:
Because of their attention to the smallest of details, highly sensitive children are remarkable at most artistic things! They have rich imaginations that let them be creative.
Moral Depth:
Highly sensitive children notice everything, from injustice to inequality! and thus have a strong sense of morality. They will be the first to speak up for someone and to be there for others in times of need.
Strong Intuition:
When something is not right despite everything being normal on the surface, trust us, they know. High sensitivity allows them to pick up on subtle cues which over time builds a strong intuition that is incredibly helpful to them.
What Your Sensitive Child Needs Most From You
Like all children, highly sensitive children need to be understood first. Once you recognize their sensitivities and their specific needs, then you can truly be there for them. It is also essential to build a connection with them to let them know that their feelings and emotions are valid. Once you have this connection, then you begin to redirect them.
Highly sensitive children benefit from the presence of stable nervous systems around them. As an adult, instead of reacting to an emotional breakdown, for example, you can stay calm and be there for them. They will respond to this by mirroring your stable nervous system and thus soothing themselves.
When To Seek Professional Support
As a parent, you’re already managing so many things at once, so it is completely normal not to have everything figured out. It is also completely okay to reach out for help!
Always remember that reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength and bravery. When parenting a highly sensitive child, here are some signs that may signal the need for professional support:
Your child is having unexpected emotional outbursts, and you are unable to figure out why.
There are problems at school, such as getting into conflicts or completely avoiding school altogether.
You can see that your child has become visibly anxious or upset, and nothing seems to be helping, not even their favorite ice cream!
If you feel burnt out and can’t seem to manage everything alone, then it is the right time to reach out for help.
At Rooted Rhythm, our Tuned In parenting course is specially designed for parents of highly sensitive children. Through this course, we help you understand your child’s unique needs and ways in which you can support them to the best of your ability. Parenting is a tough yet rewarding journey, and a little help with it can go a long way. To get started, you can book a free 15-minute consultation here and get all your queries answered. We can’t wait to hear from you!
FAQ’s
Q1: Is a highly sensitive child a diagnosis?
A: Nope! It is not a medical or a mental health diagnosis. It is more of an innate personality trait, known as sensory processing sensitivity, where they have the ability to sense and perceive emotions deeply.
Q2: Is my child highly sensitive or just anxious?
A: Anxiety is a temporary state, but a high sensitivity is a personality trait. This is how your child views the world, with a unique lens and a deeper understanding. You can take a free assessment here to figure out if your child is highly sensitive.
Q3: Can boys be highly sensitive?
A: Yes! High sensitivity is a trait that can be present in both boys and girls.
Q4: Will they grow out of it?
A: High sensitivity is an innate personality trait that makes them the kindest and most thoughtful human beings that they are. They don’t grow out of it; with the right guidance and supportive environment, they are able to lead meaningful lives.
Q5: What therapy helps?
A: There are different therapies that can help a highly sensitive child. These include, but are not limited to, play and art therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and occupational therapy.
Do you have a highly sensitive child?
We have created a course (Tuned In Parenting Course) that covers all from parenting techniques, to self-regulation, setting expectations, healthy boundaries and so much more. If you feel like starting with a sneak peak visit our Instagram page or check our mini courses: The Highly Sensitive Child and Parenting Essentials. We created these resources with care, and our hope is that they bring you clarity, support, and a sense of ease in your parenting journey.
