Teaching Quiet Kids to Use Their Voice: Gentle Strategies to Build Confidence in Kids
Not every child is quick to raise their hands in a classroom, instantly share their thoughts on what to have for dinner, or speak up in a group of friends. And even though this may worry you as a parent, it really is okay!! Confidence in kids is often equated with how talkative or extroverted they are, but in reality, true confidence can look really different. On the other hand, sometimes the ‘quietness’ can turn into self-doubt and lead to your child’s voice getting lost in the world’s noise. In such moments, supporting your child with gentle, affirming tools can build up that confidence in kids. Keep reading to learn how to nurture their voice and expression without pushing too hard or asking them to be someone they’re not.
The Key to Confidence in Kids: Emotional Shelter
Before we ask ourselves, ‘Why is my kid not speaking up more?’ we need to ask: ‘Do they feel safe enough to try?’ We need to understand that, more than encouragement, the key to confidence in kids is emotional safety. It’s not just something that will help them speak up; it’s the soil in which their confidence rests and blooms!
Imagine sitting with your friends and telling them something. But instead of encouragement, all you hear is a pause or a smirk. Worst of all, one of your friends might even correct you, which makes you wish that you hadn’t spoken at all. Similarly, when kids are mocked, ignored, or corrected, they begin to close themselves off.
This is where emotional safety steps in. It’s when your child knows deep down that they are accepted and cherished for who they are. When they know that their thoughts and emotions are well-received by the people around them, they will share more and feel confident in their skin. And that’s exactly what we want.
Confidence in Kids: Unpacking Shyness
When a child speaks less often, the world is quick to label them as ‘shy.’ But there’s so much beneath that shyness that needs to be uncovered and understood when working towards building confidence in kids. Once you uncover the reason, you will be able to meet them with the kind of support that actually helps.
Deep Thinkers
Some kids are deep thinkers! They like to take their time to ponder over a subject before they speak up. Like when you ask them what they’d like to eat for take-out dinner? They’ll take their time listing out all their favourites and then give you one solid answer. They think more and so speak less often, but no need to worry here!
Highly Sensitive
In fast-paced environments that have a lot going on at any point in time, highly sensitive kids can easily feel overwhelmed. They observe and feel things a little too deeply, and so they may choose to stay quiet. They’re not shy; they just need a way to process that sensory overload, and it’s our job to figure this out and then help them accordingly.
Socially Anxious
Some kids may have a tough time speaking up because of social anxiety. Research suggests that kids with social anxiety anticipate poor social performance. They fear that something they say might be upsetting for others. Or that they’ll be laughed at or may draw unnecessary attention towards themselves. And so, they choose to remain quiet. In such scenarios, emotional safety and trust can help them be more expressive! Or seek professional help if needed.
Confidence in Kids: Whispers over Shouts
It’s very common to tell kids and young children to ‘be brave!’ when we find them struggling with a thought or to ‘Speak up already’ if they take their time to respond. And even though these traditional approaches stem from a place of concern and the need to motivate kids, they can be detrimental in the long run.
For quiet kids, the more we push them to speak, the further they will retreat. And so when we intend to motivate them by using loud and cheerful phrases, we are actually just pressuring them. This is where gentle parenting steps in! It is one of the most powerful approaches to building confidence in kids through presence and support.
Instead of using the often-repeated motivating phrases, whispering that ‘I see you!’ or ‘Take your time’ conveys care and love to your child. They feel safe and connect with you easily, which can be a transformative experience for them.
Confidence in kids is not built through demanding growth, but rather gently inviting it.
Everyday Ways to Build Confidence in Kids
Choices vs Questions
Open-ended questions can be pressuring for kids. So instead of asking, ‘What would you like to do today?’ try asking them, ‘Do you want to go to the park or paint at home?’ This helps take the pressure off and invites easy participation.
Practice Pauses
Kids may need more than just a few minutes to think and respond. Quiet kids may need even more time to look within and then speak what’s on their mind. When this happens, try taking a pause, no matter how long, instead of jumping in to fill the silence. This assures the kid that they can speak at their own pace without needing to hurry.
Celebrate Attempts
No matter if it’s a full sentence or a wor,d or even just a brave nod. Acknowledging your child’s effort can be very motivating. Saying ‘I saw that you tried to answer that. That’s really brave of you!’ will make them feel seen.
Model Self-Expression
Sometimes, kids need someone to lead their way, and that’s not a bad thing at all. Throughout the day, it's best to share your thoughts, experiences, and feelings, both good and bad. This will normalize speaking up as a human experience, and your child will learn to do the same.
Invite Leadership
Let your child help you with something that they truly feel confident in! Setting the table, or fetching milk for breakfast pancakes. Anything that will give them a boost of confidence. This later pans out and helps them build the confidence to speak up.
Stay Consistent
It’s okay if your child speaks less on some days compared to the rest. You should, however, be consistent with your love and praise! What matters most when building confidence in kids is for them to know that their voice is always welcome.
Spotting Confidence in Kids
It’s easy to assume that confidence in kids will show up through loud statements or big performances. In reality, confidence has different ways of showing up. We just need to look closely.
While verbal communication is an essential display of confidence, so is maintaining an upright posture or using hands while communicating. Relaxed shoulders or making eye contact also signify that the child feels safe and thus confident.
Confidence in kids may also show up in the form of an initiative. Such that your child independently chose an activity to do today, tried out a new ice-cream flavour, or stuck to an incredibly difficult puzzle. Those are all signs of progress. So even if your child isn’t speaking much, look again! Confidence may just be hiding beneath the surface.
3 Activities to Build Confidence in Kids
Storytelling
Most kids love bedtime stories! And so there’s a chance that they’d be interested in creating stories too. Invite them to come up with stories at bedtime. This encourages expressive language and emotional confidence in a safe space without any pressure.
Puppet Play
Expressing how your child is feeling can be a little more difficult for them than just simply answering a question about their favourite game. For this, let your child act out emotions or scenarios using puppets that they can use to communicate how they feel. It lets them express from a safe distance and allows them to explore their voice through characters.
Bravery Record
Get a huge sketchbook or a notepad and encourage your child to document moments when they feel brave. Let them write, paint, or paste pictures to represent all these magical moments. This way, you both are recognizing and celebrating confidence even when it’s without a huge audience.
Building Confidence in Kids from the Inside Out
Building confidence in kids is not about changing who they are! It’s about providing them the space where they feel safe and emotionally understood to be able to say what they want to. Especially in kids who are a little quieter than the rest, it may take gentle parenting and everyday reassurance. It will require a long process of trust-building, but hang in there!! Remember, the goal is not to ‘fix’ their quietness but to nurture authentic expression. And you can do that best when you show up for them quietly and consistently.
Do you have a highly sensitive child?
We have created a course (Tuned In Parenting Course) that covers all from parenting techniques, to self-regulation, setting expectations, healthy boundaries and so much more. If you feel like starting with a sneak peak visit our Instagram page or check our mini courses: The Highly Sensitive Child and Parenting Essentials. We created these resources with care, and our hope is that they bring you clarity, support, and a sense of ease in your parenting journey.