Recognizing Hidden Signs of Anxiety in Children (That Don’t Look Like Worry) (Copy)
Anxiety in children doesn’t always look like fear or trembling hands. Sometimes, it hides in plain sight. It can show up as anger, stomachaches, perfectionism, or even nonstop talking. As therapists and parents ourselves, we’ve seen just how often children carry anxiety in their bodies, their behaviors, or even their silence. It’s not always obvious, and that’s what makes it so tricky!
Kids don’t always say “I’m anxious.” Instead, they act it out through behaviors that often get misread. Maybe your child is refusing to go to school, clinging more than usual, or melting down over things that feel small to you. If you’ve been scratching your head, wondering what’s really going on, you’re not alone!! Anxiety in children can be incredibly subtle, but once you begin to recognize the hidden signs, you’re already taking a powerful step toward helping your child feel safer and more understood.
Why Anger, Avoidance, and Perfectionism Can Signal Anxiety in Children
One of the most common things we witness is anxiety in children showing up in ways that parents least expect. It’s easy to think of anxiety as worry or fear, but what if your child’s defiant outbursts, refusal to try new things, or constant need to “get it right” are actually signs of inner distress?
Let’s start with anger. We often hear, “My child has a short fuse,” or “They go from zero to a hundred in seconds!” This kind of explosive behavior can sometimes mask an anxious system that doesn’t know how to tolerate uncertainty or transition. It’s not that they’re choosing to be difficult; it’s that their nervous system is firing in overdrive.
Avoidance is another big one. Whether it’s avoiding school, new situations, or even playdates, these behaviors can stem from an anxious fear of failure, separation, or the unknown. And perfectionism? That’s anxiety’s sneaky best friend. When children feel like their worth depends on getting it exactly right, they often live with a quiet pressure that can lead to burnout and self-doubt, even at a young age.
What You Think Is Bad Behavior Might Be Anxiety in Children
We hear it so often in session: “They’re being so defiant,” “She just won’t listen,” or “He loses it over the smallest things.” And yet, when we gently unpack those behaviors, we often uncover something deeper. Anxiety in children doesn't always look like fear. Sometimes, it looks like resistance, rage, or withdrawal.
When a child feels overwhelmed and doesn’t have the tools to self-regulate, they act out what they can't explain. Meltdowns after school, sudden outbursts during transitions, or the need to control everything at home might actually be the nervous system saying, “This feels unsafe.”
This doesn’t mean we abandon boundaries or expectations. But it does mean we respond with more curiosity. A great place to begin is asking, “What’s the feeling underneath this behavior?” You can explore more about these moments in our blog on how five-year-olds communicate through behavior, especially during times of stress or transition.
The Cleveland Clinic also notes that kids with anxiety may appear oppositional or distracted, not because they’re misbehaving, but because their brains are trying to manage fear or overstimulation. Recognizing this doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it shifts our approach from correction to connection.
Recognizing the Hidden Signs of Anxiety in Children in Everyday Moments
Anxiety in children isn’t always loud. Often, it’s tucked beneath behaviors that look unrelated on the surface. We’ve seen countless families come in feeling confused or overwhelmed, not realizing that what they’re observing at home might be anxiety in disguise. Here are a few specific patterns and signals to look for:
Physical Complaints with No Clear Cause
Children might regularly complain of physical symptoms like tummy aches, headaches, or feeling sick, especially before school, social events, or transitions. While these symptoms might appear medical at first glance, they’re often the body’s way of expressing inner distress.
Avoidance Disguised as Disobedience
When a child refuses to participate in activities, avoids certain people or places, or says “no” to seemingly simple tasks, it might not be defiance; it might be fear. Avoidance is a common anxiety-driven behavior that is often misread as laziness or stubbornness.
Perfectionism and Over-Control
Some kids become hyper-focused on doing things “just right.” They may get upset with minor mistakes, ask for constant reassurance, or redo tasks repeatedly. While this might look like diligence, it’s often anxiety seeking predictability and control.
Constant Reassurance Seeking
“Are you sure you’ll pick me up on time?” “Did I do okay?” “What if I mess up?” These repetitive questions are a child’s attempt to calm the anxious thoughts running through their mind. If you feel like you’re answering the same question twenty times a day, anxiety might be at play.
Emotional Outbursts Over Small Things
A seemingly tiny disappointment, like the wrong color cup, can spark a massive reaction. This isn't just being dramatic. These moments often signal a dysregulated nervous system struggling to cope with internal anxiety.
Sleep Struggles and Nighttime Fears
From trouble falling asleep to frequent wake-ups and vivid nightmares, anxiety in children often shows itself at bedtime. This is when the distractions of the day fade, and their minds are left alone with big, overwhelming feelings.
The Link Between Sleep Issues and Anxiety in Children
Like we discussed above, sleep struggles can be a sign of anxiety in children. Sleep and anxiety are deeply intertwined, and when one is disrupted, the other often follows. Many parents tell us, “Bedtime is when everything unravels.” That’s because when the world gets quiet and the lights go out, a child’s inner worries often get louder.
Children with anxiety might struggle to fall asleep, wake up frequently during the night, or resist bedtime altogether. They may ask for extra hugs, reassurance, or even create elaborate rituals to delay separation. While it can look like stalling or clinginess, what’s really happening is that their nervous system is still on high alert. At night, without daytime distractions, anxious thoughts like fear of something bad happening, separation from caregivers, or a sense of uncertainty, can feel overwhelming.
According to KidsHealth, disrupted sleep is one of the most common symptoms of anxiety in children, and it’s one of the first places it shows up. We see bedtime not just as a routine, but as a window into how safe and supported a child feels.
If your child struggles at night, it may help to look beneath the surface. Is bedtime when they finally get your undivided attention? Are they holding it together all day, only to release their stress at home? Understanding these patterns can help you respond with empathy and set up calming rituals that support both connection and rest.
When to Stop Dismissing Anxiety in Children as 'Just a Phase'
We understand, children go through so many changes. Some behaviors fade quickly, while others seem to stick around longer than expected. So when your child starts clinging a little more, asking nervous questions, or getting upset over little things, it’s tempting to say, “It’s just a phase.”
But here’s the truth: sometimes, it’s not.
Anxiety in children can absolutely evolve with developmental shifts. But when the signs linger, intensify, or begin to interfere with your child’s sleep, school, friendships, or self-esteem, it’s time to pause and pay attention.
When left unaddressed, childhood anxiety can grow into more serious mental health challenges later in life. Recognizing it early means you can step in gently and offer the kind of support that helps your child feel seen, safe, and less alone. Because sometimes, what we dismiss as a phase is actually a child’s quiet call for help.
How to Support an Anxious Child Without Making It Worse
When a child feels anxious, our instinct is to soothe, reassure, or distract. Sometimes, we even try to fix the fear or talk them out of it: “There’s nothing to worry about!” But while these responses come from love, they can unintentionally dismiss or escalate the child’s experience.
The goal isn’t to make the anxiety go away immediately—it’s to help your child feel safe and capable while moving through it. Here’s what we’ve seen work in practice:
Validate their feelings. Say things like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I can see why that would feel scary.” Validation tells them their emotions make sense, even if the fear isn’t logical.
Stay grounded yourself. Your calm presence helps their nervous system settle. Kids co-regulate with us long before they learn to self-regulate.
Model curiosity, not urgency. Instead of jumping in with solutions, try: “What part of this feels the hardest?” or “What does your body feel like right now?”
Teach calming strategies outside of the anxious moment. Practice breathing games, grounding tools, or sensory resets during calm times. We explore these and more in our blog on tools to calm anxiety.
Avoid over-accommodation. Gently encouraging small steps toward their fear (with your support) builds confidence over time. Support doesn’t mean shielding your child from all discomfort; it means showing them they can handle it, with you by their side.
Support doesn’t mean shielding your child from all discomfort; it means showing them they can handle it, with you by their side.
Your Presence Is the Most Powerful Support
Anxiety in children can be quiet, confusing, and easily overlooked. But what matters most isn’t having all the right answers—it’s your presence. The calm, steady kind that says, “I’m here, even when it’s hard.” Just by slowing down, listening, and staying close, you create the safety your child needs. And if you’re unsure where to begin, start with this: What might my child be trying to tell me?
At Rooted Rhythm, we believe that attuned parenting is a powerful form of healing. If you're noticing signs of anxiety in your child and feel unsure how to respond, we’re here to provide the support you need!
