9 Year Old Emotional Meltdowns & Tantrums | 15 Tips For Sensitive Kids
Takeaway: All children struggle with managing their feelings at times–after all, they’re still learning! However, if you feel as though your 9-year-old is crying over everything, they may need special support. In this post, I explain why your 9-year-old may struggle with emotional meltdowns and offer practical tips for how you can help them.
Understanding emotional meltdowns in 9-year-olds
You know your kiddo best. However, it's not uncommon to be baffled, confused, or even overwhelmed by your child's behavior at times. It can be hard to watch your child struggle with tantrums or outbursts, especially when they seem to be more sensitive than other kids their age. Naturally, you want to do anything you can to help them. But if you're reading this, I'm betting that you've tried everything you can think of and aren't sure where else to turn.
If this resonates with you, know that you're not alone. In fact, there are many parents in your shoes—and I've helped hundreds of them find more peace through my private practice. We specialize in supporting families like yours: those with emotional, gifted kiddos who struggle to regulate their big feelings.
Throughout my career, I've had a passion for learning about sensitive children and what they need to thrive. I love sharing that knowledge with parents so they can feel confident and empowered in attuning to their kiddos and giving them the special support they need.
All children are bound to have tantrums from time to time. After all, they're still kids! Their brains are still developing and learning more emotional intelligence, so it's not realistic to expect them to remain calm at all times. Most adults I know aren't capable of emotional regulation 100% of the time.
At the same time, frequent tantrums aren't as common in children of this age. In my experience, 9-year-olds who continue to struggle with temper tantrums and emotional outbursts are often highly sensitive children. By learning more about highly sensitive children and their unique needs, you can support your child more effectively in these tough moments.
The role of sensitivity in 9-year-old temper tantrums
While an occasional temper tantrum can be considered "normal," frequent tantrums may be a sign that something else is going on. In many cases, it's an indicator that your child is highly sensitive. High sensitivity is a personality trait that 15-20% of the population (kids and adults included) have. It was first stu by psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron over 30 years ago.
Since it's relatively common (though misunderstood by many people), it's not considered a disorder like ADHD or sensory processing challenges. It's part of who your child is, just like their love of LEGOs or passion for reading.
The high sensitivity trait comes with tons of superpowers, like empathy for other kids and being highly in tune with the world around them. However, this trait also makes your kiddo more prone to overwhelm than other children. Without intentional, attuned support for their unique needs, your child is more likely to struggle with tantrums and meltdowns.
Here are some more indicators that your child may be highly sensitive.
Strong emotions. Big feelings are one of the main signs of high sensitivity in children (and adults). If you're surprised by the intensity of your child's anger, sadness, or even their excitement, they may be highly sensitive.
Sensitive to criticism. Similarly, sensitive kiddos take criticism extra hard. These children are often perfectionists, and they don't want to let you down. While I recommend against punishment and advocate for loving discipline (more on that in my TUNED IN parenting course) for any child, this is especially important for sensitive children.
Highly in touch with others' needs and emotions. Your child isn't just sensitive to their own emotions. They're also highly in tune with others' feelings, especially yours. Your sensitive kiddo watches you closely, and your child learns a lot from how you manage your own emotions. While it can feel like a lot of pressure as a parent, it's also an opportunity to form a deeper emotional connection with each other.
Strong intuition. Since your child is more in tune with the environment and those around them, they're likely to pick up on subtle cues like body language, changes in light or sound, and more. This, as well as their deep connection to their own feelings, contributes to their strong sense of intuition.
Overstimulation & need for quiet time. Overstimulation triggers tantrums for many sensitive kiddos. Bright lights, loud sounds, changes to routine, lots of social interaction, and caregivers having big feelings are just a few examples of things that can overwhelm your little one. This can bring about the need for quiet time to reset and recharge.
While these are some common signs of sensitive children, it's not an exhaustive list. If you're still unsure whether your 9-year-old is highly sensitive, take my highly sensitive child test. You can also read my blog post on the 10 habits of highly sensitive children to better understand your kiddo.
15 effective strategies for managing 9-year-old tantrums
Thankfully, there are plenty of strategies you can use to support your 9-year-old when big feelings come up. Here, I've compiled some of my favorite coping skills to use in the moment, plus some tips for preventing future tantrums and resources to help the whole family feel supported.
Let's dive in!
Coping with the meltdown in the moment
Certain things, like learning your child's triggers and gaining more knowledge about the needs of highly sensitive kiddos, can help prevent tantrums from occurring. However, it's still important to have tools you can use when tantrums happen. Here are some of the strategies I share with the families I work with.
1. Hold space for your kiddo's feelings
When your child acts out, it may feel natural to try and make them stop. We don't want our children to feel upset, and their outbursts can also feel overwhelming for us as parents. However, trying to force them to stop often has the opposite effect (as you likely know firsthand).
It can also send the message that it's not okay for them to have difficult feelings, or that we can't handle their big emotions. Instead, try to let your kiddo express whatever feelings they have—even if it makes you uncomfortable.
2. Validate your child's emotions
On a similar note, it's also incredibly important to validate how your child feels. You may not understand their emotions or condone your child's behavior, but your kiddo needs to know that it's okay for them to feel angry, sad, overwhelmed, or whatever else they may be feeling.
Again, we can get so caught up in trying to soothe our child's tantrum that we inadvertently disconnect from their emotional experience. Saying things like "you're okay" when they're clearly upset comes from a good place, but is invalidating and even confusing for them.
3. Keep your emotions in check
When our kids act out with "negative" behavior, it can be hard to keep our emotions at bay. Of course, it's totally fine for you to feel your feelings—I encourage it! At the same time, it's important to have self-control in these moments so our kiddos know that we're here for their feelings.
Many of the parents I work with were never taught effective self-regulation strategies, which makes it challenging for them to show up for their children in a calm, grounded way. If this is you, know that you're not alone. You can learn some of these skills in my parenting essentials mini-course!
4. Hold loving boundaries
While they might initially show some resistance, young kids actually love boundaries. When we can set clear, consistent boundaries, we create a loving container for our child. Having this structure can be incredibly supportive for all kiddos, especially anxious ones.
Upholding these boundaries can be easier said than done, especially when our little ones push back. However, when we reinforce our boundaries, our children learn what the limits are and understand that we'll be a consistent presence for them.
Teaching emotional regulation skills
It's totally okay to let your child feel whatever they're feeling. At the same time, sensitive kiddos can get stuck in dysregulation and have difficulty calming down. Helping your 9-year-old develop skills to cope with difficult emotions is an essential part of managing tantrums. Start by practicing these tools outside the moment to help your child learn how to use them.
5. Deep breathing
Taking deep breaths is a highly effective way to help your child (and yourself!) calm down. There are plenty of ways to make this accessible (and even fun) for children, so find what works for your family.
If you're not sure where to start, try the square breathing method. Have your child trace a real or imaginary square. Encourage them to inhale while tracing the first side, hold their breath while tracing the second side, exhale while tracing the third side, and hold their breath while tracing the fourth side. Repeat until regulated!
6. Body scan
During emotional dysregulation, we're often disconnected from our body sensations. Using tools like a guided meditation or body scan can help adults and kiddos alike drop into their bodies and find grounding during difficult moments.
If you're new to body scans or just want a fun, accessible way to get your child on board, try my free butterfly body scan.
7. Movement
Movement is another great way to get into your body! Try a child yoga class or have a dance party around the living room.
This approach can be helpful for any child but may be especially beneficial for those who tend to shut down or hold everything in. Moving their body might help some of those stuck emotions break free.
8. Use a feelings journal
While it's important to make sure your child knows they can talk to you about whatever feelings they're having, it can also be helpful for them to have a space for processing their emotions that's all their own.
This is where a feelings journal comes in. Let them pick out a special notebook that they can use to write about (or draw!) their feelings in order to help them better understand themselves.
Building resilience in highly sensitive kiddos
Many highly sensitive children have low frustration tolerance. Since they're perfectionists (and often gifted in certain areas), they can become upset when things don't go how they want them to. It's okay for your child to feel this way—and at the same time, helping them build their resilience can empower your kiddo to face these emotions head-on.
9. Help them identify their feelings
Part of managing anger, sadness, or other big feelings is helping your child be able to identify them. When kids (or adults for that matter) have emotions that they can't identify, it can be overwhelming, confusing, and even a little scary.
Helping your kiddo develop more language around their emotions can give them the confidence they need to express themselves and identify what they need during these sad or angry outbursts.
10. Celebrate their strengths
As we discussed earlier in this article, most kids who are highly sensitive tend to take criticism hard. They also have high standards for themselves and can feel bad when they don't live up to them.
Celebrating your child's strengths and rewarding positive behaviors is extra important for these sensitive kids. By focusing on what your child does well, you help them build up their self-esteem.
11. Remind them of past successes
Similarly, it can be helpful to remind your child of other times when they've successfully dealt with difficult situations.
For example, if your 9-year-old is feeling nervous about the transition into a new school year, remind them of how well they did adjusting to their new classroom last year. It may have been tough at first, but they ultimately were able to make friends. Having this reminder can empower your child to face this new challenge with confidence.
12. Reassure them that you're here to support them no matter what
Focusing on "good" behavior and past successes is important. At the same time, your child should also know that difficult situations and uncomfortable emotions will always be part of life. The key piece here is that they don't have to go through these things alone.
By practicing some of the other things we've discussed, like holding space for your child's emotions and setting loving boundaries, your kiddo will develop the understanding that you'll be there for them no matter what.
Getting support for your 9-year-old's emotional meltdowns
Know that you also don't have to navigate this experience alone! Most parents feel pressure to have everything under control. However, getting parenting support for managing outbursts can be incredibly validating and rewarding. Here are a few ways you can find community.
13. Educating yourself about highly sensitive children
There are so many great resources to help you learn more about highly sensitive children and what they need in order to thrive. The book The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine Aron is a great place to start. You could also listen to podcasts, such as Parenting Your Highly Sensit with Julia McGarey.
My courses are also packed with valuable information about parenting highly sensitive children. My TUNED IN parenting course is a comprehensive, self-paced course with tons of helpful tips to better understand your child and grow your connection with each other. If you're not ready for the deep dive quite yet, you can also check out my highly sensitive child bundle or my parenting essentials mini-course.
14. Connect with other parents
Finding camaraderie with other parents of highly sensitive children can be incredibly healing. Whether through word-of-mouth, social media accounts, or more formal support groups, it can help to know that you're not alone in this experience.
All of the families who are connected to Rooted Rhythm (past and present) are welcome to join our weekly parent connection calls for ongoing support in their parenting journey.
15. Hire a parent coach and/or child therapist
For even more personalized support, consider hiring a parent coach and/or child therapist. At Rooted Rhythm, we provide child therapy in Dallas as well as play therapy in Denver, Colorado. We have a finely tuned method that's helped hundreds of families find more peace and ease in their family life, as well as connect more deeply to each other.
Over the course of three months, you'll do deep reflective work while your child has their own individual play therapy sessions with our expert clinicians. At the end of each session, we'll come together for some parent coaching to make sure that we're all on the same page for continued work outside of session.
If you're ready to transform your relationship with your highly sensitive child, I encourage you to schedule a free 20-minute consultation. Here, you can ask questions and get a better sense of whether we might be the right fit for your family. We look forward to connecting with you!