TUNED IN MODULE 9

Transcript

Welcome to module nine. I can't believe that we're coming to the end of this journey. It's been my absolute honor to support you and your family in trying on a new way of being. I was just taking a morning walk around my neighborhood and was literally brought to tears and gratitude for the gift that I get to receive and being able to do this work, especially as a highly sensitive person myself and having a childhood with all of these different parts we've been talking about where maybe I felt like there was something wrong with me for my sensitivities or just not quite knowing how to handle the large amounts of information my system was receiving at any given moment.

And I feel a deep sense of pride that I've done enough of my own work to be in a space where I can harness that energy for a focused intention that relates to my greater purpose of supporting the parent child relationship.

And I just feel the deepest sense of gratitude that you chose to be here with me. I hope that this is just the beginning of a long journey of expansion and transformation for you. I'll talk at the end of the last module around how to stay in touch and what might be coming in the future but I just wanted to say thank you so much.

And with that, I am so excited to share these last two modules. They are some of my favorite content. The tools and the ideas that I will be sharing here are really near and dear to my soul, my being how I engage in my life with my family, with my business, with my friends, and I just feel that you'll really enjoy this if you choose to lean in.

So today, we will be talking about why the parental relationship and the patterns of that relationship. being positive matters so much to your highly sensitive child. There's research, there's truth, I'll share in detail.

We will then talk about communication, why it matters, how to do it, in a way that really works with an approach called nonviolent communication. And I'm going to add in some other tips and tools beyond just that model.

I mentioned nonviolent communication in the last module. We will talk about remembering intimacy and remembering how to stay in close connection with your partner or spouse, even in the face of stress and how important it is to maintain that connection line, not just for you, but for the whole family.

We'll talk a little bit about blended families and single parenting. I could offer a whole other course on that, but I'm just going to plug in a few ideas there, if that's you or anyone in your life so you can have some ideas that feel supportive.

And then we're going to close with talking about the importance of knowing your values, knowing your shared values as a family, and really making a choice to live into those values. So it's a full menu, but I know it will be really good.

I do want to share that this module is definitely catered towards parents that are in close relationship, living in the same home and really on the journey of parenting together. However, it works well for if that's a blended family, if that's any type of co parenting situation, these tools can work really well for.

If that's not you, these tools can definitely be applied to how you relate, let's say you're a single parent, and you don't really have anyone else involved in your child's upbringing. These tools can really work for how you relate to any other family members or adults that might be supporting the kids, how you might want to relate to a future partner or co parent, and ultimately just how you relate to connection and intimacy and belonging,

which is a really basic human need. So it can be helpful, no matter what, just take the information, however you want to take it and make a choice on how you're applying to your life. Just wanted to put that plug in that I'll likely be talking about your spouse or your partner, the one that you're in relationship with.

And so you can just replace that with how are you in relationship with yourself? How are you in relationship with your mom and dad? And the tools can still be useful. Okay, so let's jump right in. So if you're on the path of conscious living, meaning that you're aware of your stock points, you're aware of of the pathways that are asking you to grow into something bigger and better and greater, you will create a relationship with your partner or spouse where triggers come up often.

Because when triggers come up and we bring awareness and consciousness to them, we are able to heal them and shift them. The very first step in a lot of psychology theory around the process of change is just simply becoming aware of the stuck part or the subconscious part.

So if you're having a lot of moments with your spouse or partner, it doesn't mean inherently that there's anything wrong with the relationship. It just means that there's a lot of opportunity for growth.

And if you can get really good at communicating what's coming up for you without blaming the other person and then making clear requests for what you need to heal. that part of you, you can just start to move through these growth processes really quickly, and it doesn't have to be a whole thing.

So perhaps you've already found some ways to communicate well and move through processes quickly with your partner, but this module will give you even more tools. And if we can start to look at the triggers that are coming up as an opportunity to come together and heal and that these parts of us are being illuminated, this process can become such a gift.

It really can. I've worked a lot on this in my marriage. My husband is also a therapist and we have a lot of therapeutic support to just help us be the best versions of ourselves that we can. And so often a trigger is coming up for one of us.

Let's say I often have the need to talk a lot, if you haven't noticed. I often need to talk a lot and verbally process what's happening because for me it creates safety in my attachment system. If I feel like the one that's closest to me is listening and with me, Kendall, my husband often has the need for space.

And so we've had to learn how to make requests for what we need to regulate and ground in a way that also works for the other one. So perhaps I can share what's happening in my world to Kendall for just five or 10 minutes instead of 20.

And perhaps when there's a part of me that really wants to be in connection and talk to Kendall, I get to honor that I can still be in connection with him, even if he's taking some space in a long time.

But we've had to identify triggers when they're coming up in those processes, share about them lovingly and then make different agreements for how we approach getting our needs met moving forward. The downfall of this process is if you are in the practice of making your partner wrong.

No one feels good when they feel projected on and blamed for someone else's trigger. Perhaps your partner is just so beautifully hitting on your pressure point, your trigger point, so that it can shift and grow and keeps on doing the thing that you know needs to shift, but your partner is not wrong.

They're simply here to be your number one trigger so that you can heal and grow through it. So we must stop teaching our kids that it's okay to shame each other and it's okay to project on each other.

We were joking this week. Kendall's feeling a little bit sick and he had the impulse to say, you made me sick. It's your fault. And it's like, no, no, no, you have a cold and you want to blame someone else for your discomfort.

even if I did, let's say I was carrying something and I gave that to you, it's not my fault, but how can I be here to support you? And so it's just this natural impulse because most of us have learned shame or blame.

It's such a natural part of human psychology in our current culture. If your dad or mom ever got frustrated and overwhelmed and went straight towards, why did you do this? It's your fault. It's like, it can be ingrained in us.

And what we are wanting is to now unwind that because for sensitive kids, especially simply doesn't work. Parents not being on the same page can cause a lot of anxiety for kids and it can come in various ways like separation anxiety, acting out behaviors, pushing back behaviors.

This comes from a legit psychology study that I'm happy to share with you if you want. There was, they basically studied children's externalizing and internalizing behaviors with stable, happy marriages where everyone was living together and stable and happy and parents were in a really high quality relationship compared to kiddos in families where the quality of the relationship of the parents wasn't great.

And there was very clear evidence that there were fewer behavioral problems for kids in the house where the relationship was solid. It definitely, it makes intuitive sense but I think sometimes we forget just how much tension can be in the space that we're avoiding or ignoring.

It's like, we're great. We've been happily married for however long but no sensitive kids will pick up on the subtle. So we have to tend to that connection. It's so important and having the tools to be able to soften into a loving space in that connection is a necessary part of it.

As I said before, of course, there's a... place to set a boundary with your partner or make a request for something to be different. So maybe my boundary is Kendall, I get it. And I hear you that you need space.

What I need is a certain amount of time each day where you're just like hearing me in a more conversational way. And how can we make that happen in a way that works for both of us? If we're just making our partner wrong and saying you're never good enough, you don't give me what we need.

There's really an experience of causing them to feel a flattening, a smoldering. It can become abusive, like emotionally abusive to be shudding on our partner all the time. And it's just not a helpful way to grow and shift in relationship.

I'm curious if you're noticing that some of the same tools that we know work well for parenting are highly sensitive child often are also what's needed in the relationship. because it's like that idea of high warmth, but also clarity and control.

It doesn't work without the warmth and just the control. With both parenting and in our relationship, there might be a short term gratification, because we're actually just scaring our children or partners, we're putting fear in them, like if you don't do this, it's not okay.

But it doesn't work for the long term. And in fact, there are so many studies, I just read a New York Times article this morning, talking about that authoritarian or versus the authoritative parenting style, and how just how damaging it is for kids when we show up with high control and harshness without the warmth.

I'm going on a side tangent, but I do want to share this. The author was talking about how, like, actually, perhaps we have to give our kids more space to be rude or not say the right thing or not behave appropriately, because in the past generations, we didn't allow that.

But a lot of people have mental illness because they were just like given such harsh and controlling parenting, and they were never allowed to speak their mind. And then it resulted in people not trusting themselves.

And that creates a lot of issues. Those weren't exactly her words. I added a little bit of my own, but I'm also happy to share that article with you if, if it sounds interesting. Okay, so hopefully you have your buy in that the relationship matters, tending to the relationship, making sure that the channel, the line of communication between you and your partner is open and fantastic.

Have you ever been on the phone with someone and one of you is losing connection? How frustrating is it to not be able to hear them and not feel heard? It's just, it creates a trigger response in the nervous system.

And in that triggered response, there's no access to true connection and intimacy and a sense of safety. So we want to make sure that the connection remains clear, the communication line is open, and you will then feel a bigger sense of safety in the relationship, your partner or spouse will, and then your kids will too.

This all links together because of the mirror neurons and the co -regulation that your child needs to receive from you. Okay, so why communication? If we learn how to communicate well, we reduce so much resentment and frustration because we've created opportunities where our needs are heard and hopefully validated.

We create a sense of self respect within our own being because we're receiving the power of just being heard. we're modeling to our kids. Here's how you communicate in a way that works. It doesn't mean that life always has to be comfortable.

It doesn't mean that everyone's always on the same page. But here's how we do conflict resolution. You have an opinion. I have an opinion. And we come together in a way that's open and respectful to each other.

And then we make a choice together as a family. So I would model, and we're going to talk about these tools. I would encourage you to model this communication style and being more clear on how you're relating to each other with small things in front of your kids.

So if there's a little disagreement like, why didn't you take the trash out or let's go to dinner here at this time instead of here at this time. Model that with the small things for your kids. But when it comes to the big conversations, always have those outside of the space with your kids in private because sensitive kids, they're holding everything.

They pick up on everything. They will become worried about you. And I really encourage you to have boundaries around sharing topics that are too big with your sensitive kids, which can be so easy to do because they have that wisdom beyond their years.

And we think they can handle it. But the truth is, their psyches aren't meant to handle the big topics. So you'll want to, as I just said, practice and model communicating about the small things, have the big conversations in private, and then as much as you can, it is really important to choose to be on the same page when you're in front of the kids for the big things.

And not having this experience where you're harboring resentment for your husband or wife or co -parent and your child can just feel that and you're sitting there. they're thinking, gosh, they're doing it again.

I wish it could be different because kids feel that. And if you can start to build structures and templates to know that you'll have the conversation, you'll have the hard conversation and things will resolve later, you don't have to be in such a panic space and feel the sense of urgency that it needs to happen now when you can have a trigger come up, like maybe your partner talked to you in a way that really didn't feel good to you,

you can continue to enjoy time with the family and then later on you can say, hey, there's something that I wanna talk to you about that created a trigger in my system and I think I have a request for how we relate to each other moving forward, like when would be a good time to talk about it?

There was an eight year old girl I was recently working with in my play therapy room and her parents have a pretty good relationship with what happened. She's overall well adapted to a positive life, but she actually revealed to me in our sessions that she really worries about her parents a lot when they're fighting and she can just feel when they're not on the same page.

And it was so interesting because I was chatting with the mom later in the day and the mom was saying how they rarely ever have arguments in front of the kids. They'll always go to a different room and like work out the thing.

But I just thought that was so fascinating because even though it's not happening right in front of the kids, she's still feeling her parents arguing in a non -respectful way in a different room or even while she's sleeping because these sensitive kids feel everything.

And so it would be so important for that family to learn loving, open, effective communication styles so that the kiddo isn't picking up on like high intensity and tension. Because the truth is they have an incredibly loving family and it would be so easy for them to start to engage in communication tools and unpacking processes that need to be unpacked in a way that just works.

Okay, so we've touched on why communication. Now I'm going to talk about how. I'm just plugging ideas, take the ones that work, leave the ones that don't and choose ways to adapt these tools into your life that will really work for you.

So one option. I've used this in my marriage and some couples that I've worked with have really enjoyed it. Making a commitment to send each other three to six minute voice messages every day. So this is like on the text.

If you have an iPhone, like the iMessage or you could use WhatsApp or some sort of messaging. app where you can leave a long voice message and you create a specific container, so a specific texting stream that's only for updates from our hearts or check -ins, whatever you want to call it.

And you make a choice to actually send a truthful message of how you're doing to your partner, co -parent, or spouse every day for a short time. You could try this for a week or two and the other person's job is simply to listen and say, thank you, got it.

So what you're doing is you're taking out the variable where the other partner can become defensive or try to fix or get into a whole hour -long process and you're simply starting to open up a channel of communication where you actually know how the other one is doing.

And this can be a really effective tool for weeks with the kids where it feels like there's no time to actually connect because because by the time bedtime is over, you are just so ready to not talk about anything.

And so if you're working in different places, at least you know that at some point during the day, when one of you takes a break, you'll just be able to hear how the other one is doing, is doing. What this requires is also speaking honestly, and being in connection to yourself and being able to say, overall, I'm good.

Overall, I'm really good. But I also, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, and I'm feeling a little disconnected from you. It's like you're really checking in. That's just an example. Um, so the question you might ask yourself when you're giving one of those check ins is, what is true?

Like what is true in this moment, and you're slowing down, you're checking in, and then you're sharing. And people that have activated this really basic and simple tool. It's actually really powerful.

And they start to get really excited to hear their partner's message, just hear how they're doing. We forget how often we go days without actually knowing how our person is doing. And so and the suggestion is just to say thank you with no reply.

There's also an amazing strategy, and I will share access where you can for a really low price grab the PDF of this. An amazing couple in our community has developed a here in Denver has developed a strategy, a tool for really effective communication and marriages.

And it's called the rock and bowl strategy. And I just love this one. So they're this couple, they have kids who are almost out of the house now. And they've done a really good job of parenting and successfully raising cool, sensitive, gifted kids.

And I asked them a while back, like, how did you do it? Like, how are you guys still having fun and chilling and being in your purpose and enjoying life? And they're not particularly like, you know, emotional or spiritual people.

They're pretty like, they have a normal life, but clearly they're very connected. And I just say that because I wanna plug in if you're feeling like, well, this is just woo woo and too much, and I'm not gonna stare my partner in their eyes and tell them, I feel you, I love you.

You know what I'm saying? This works for just normal, basic families. And so I asked them, like, how did you do it? What's the secret? And they said, actually, as a matter of fact, we do have a secret.

We came up with this strategy. If someone has something to say, if someone has something that they need to talk about within the marriage, we have a bowl in the bathroom and a rock next to the bowl. And if you need to talk about something, you put the rock in the bowl and that let's see.

other one know, I need to have a conversation. The key is the one that sees that there's a rock in the bowl that now knows, oh, she or he wants to have a conversation gets to choose when that conversation happens.

So that you're not checking in with your spouse on their way out the door when everyone's trying to get breakfast and everything's stressful and saying, Hey, I really need to talk to you about this big thing.

And then they're holding that for the rest of the day. It's just a clear communication of let's talk when you're ready. And then the other one brings the bowl with the rock and says, I'm ready whenever they're ready.

And then they sit down and they have a conversation using some of the tools we've talked about where one person talks and the other one just listens. And then I'm also about to share another important strategy.

So I'll share, it's a in detail guide to how you activate the rock in the bowl strategy, but I think it's a great idea. And you'll find you might come up with your own amazing versions of that. Okay.

This part's really important. I am now going to share four principles of non -violent communication. You'll also see it posted below here in the written portion of this module. If you can grasp these steps and really embody this in how you parent and how you relate to your spouse or co -parent, your life will literally change.

It is so empowering to take blame and shame off others, be able to use your voice and know how to ask for what you need and want and express how you're feeling without fear. And you will start to see responses from people in your life that feel so good because what you're doing is you're approaching people from a space of talking to them in a way they can actually receive instead of just talking at them.

I'm hitting this mic today. Instead of just talking at them and, well, it's kind of like that. It's like this forceful, it shakes it. When you're talking at them and you're making them wrong, there's nothing productive that happens.

Okay, step one, observation. You will become a witness to the situation without judgment or defense. So let's give an example. I'm in a parenting moment with Kendall and, oh, here's a perfect one. Okay, I was in a really good mood.

We're having a great weekend. Our little one really wanted more candy. This is a whole other conversation, but I sometimes am just totally the yes, mom. And it's like, if you want some candy on the weekend, yes, we're gonna have to deal with a big spike, but.

is at the end of the world. Whereas Kendall really sees the negative effects of sugar in the kids and doesn't like it when I provide candy. So I'm having a moment. Little one is like, if I do it, like, can I have a reward of some candy?

I'm being so good. Like, let's, let's have fun. And I'm like, yeah, let's go. Let's go get some candy. And Kendall has a massive experience of, oh, you just keep giving him candy. Like he lets his frustration out in that moment.

Before I get defensive and react back towards him, I'm going to stop and observe the situation. How can I observe it without judgment and defense? So a simple observation would be, I just made a choice to give our little one candy.

Kendall's feeling triggered and having a big reaction with some frustration towards that period. I'm also going to observe how I'm feeling. I'm also feeling a little bit irritated that he would have that kind of reaction.

And now I'm kind of feeling like I did something wrong. Period. I'm just observing. And then I'm letting it be. Step two, identifying the feelings that are arising from the situation in an even deeper way.

So I kind of just touched on that in the observation, but I'm going to go even more deeply into that because if I don't touch in on the feelings now, unexpressed feelings will come out later. Which might've been what was happening for Kendall in that moment, which was there had been many times I had offered candy when he didn't want me to.

And it was just all built up. And then he was having a really big frustration in that moment. So, so I'm going to sit and this is why this doesn't have to be done all at once. And in fact, it's a really good idea to just say, I'm going to let this go and come back to it over time, maybe in the next hour.

or a few hours, I'm going to be sitting with my feelings that are arising. And maybe there's some feelings of resentment like, wow, I was just trying to create a fun experience and now I feel made wrong.

And that's making me feel resentful. Or maybe there's a little part of me, I'm tapping into that inner child that gets really excited and is just trying to do the right thing. And then all of a sudden I'm shamed and made smaller.

I'm sitting with the feelings that are arising and I'm taking full self responsibility for them. Wow. When you just kind of threw your anger at me, it reminded me of times that my parents would get mad when I was like spiraling with my feelings and tell me to just stop.

There's so much there. Step three, I'm going to identify the needs that I would like to have met. So you might return to the unmet needs. list. I'll post it again here. And I'm going to really consider what is it that I need from Kendall?

This is before I've made any communication with him. Hmm. Well, what I need is definitely a softer approach. I need him to engage in his own self regulation and then come towards me in a loving way before communicating what he wants me to know.

I need him to maybe access greater clarity around what his boundary is and let me know that in a calm moment. I need him to contain his own emotional experience within his own space instead of throwing it at me.

And by the way, this is such a simple example. But can you imagine how much is here for the bigger things? And I'm just getting more and more clear. And perhaps for me, oftentimes, I have a high need for a plan that makes me feel really safe and secure.

So I might need from him for us to come up together for a plan for the future. So maybe the plan is, he starts to feel frustrated and he walks away. And I let him go and be with that part of him. And then we talk about it later.

And then number four, now here's where we actually talk, but the communication process has been happening for all of these steps, because so much of communication is just your own internal process of self honesty, self reflection, feeling on the inside, and then becoming clear on what your needs are.

Number four, now I'm explicit expressing a clear request with compassion. Without blaming, I'm able to say, hey, here's what I was experiencing. Here's what I observed. What I was feeling was this and what I need is this.

And that's it. And because we've practiced this so many times, we're not in a space of feeling defensive because we trust that we're both committed to doing our best to not making each other wrong. And we get to make a request and then Kendall can say, yes, I got it.

I'll try my best. It might not be perfect, but I'll try my best. Or he might say, I don't know if I can do that. Can we find some other place to meet with an agreement of how I relate to those situations?

Or he might say, I need there to be a rule that there's just no candy on the weekends. And that's what I need to feel safe in this exact situation. So we're entering a dialogue, but we're both using the principles of nonviolent communication.

Okay, so spend some time with those. Truly, if you spend some time writing out, journaling each of the steps of these and preparing for a clear request or communication to be met or to be made, and then having that need met.

it will feel amazing if you haven't done this. It's so different. It's an entirely different way of being. And you also might want to revisit the PDF that I shared in the previous module about nonviolent communication with your kids.

If you're interested in nonviolent communication, there are a ton of courses, books, online YouTube videos. You can find a lot of content on nonviolent communication. OK, so now let's talk about intimacy.

And I'm not just talking about sex and physical connection. I'm talking about deep belonging, connection, safety within the relationship that exists between you and your partner. When intimacy is lost between parents, kids get triangulated and they hold more than they should.

This is written in a lot of family systems texts. I promise it's true. You might imagine a moment where you felt stuck in the middle between your parents or when they weren't in a space of connection and you felt like you were holding more of one parent's emotional needs or even sexual needs.

This is sometimes how sexual trauma unfolds, it's like the needs aren't being met between the parents and horrific things can happen because the human psyche is pretty wild. So anyway, not to get too dark with this, but I just want to underline it's a really important space to be tending to.

And there was some other research I had looked at on how kids will actually learn to monopolize on the disconnection to get what they want if that connection isn't there, which might feel really good for them at first because they're getting what they want.

It's the basic example is... are so disconnected that child goes to mom after dad said no and says can I have this and doesn't say that dad said no but it's that like amplified and yes there's some instant reward but ultimately it doesn't feel good for the child because they're engaging in sneaky behavior they're being manipulative and there's just a lack of safety in the overall structure.

So choosing each other again is a slow journey and can take time can need a lot of support but is often non -negotiable in the long -term wellness of your family. And I also want to underline that having a family becoming parents requires an adjustment period.

I've said this before there was a time that you weren't parents and you just had to tend to yourselves and each other and now you're in a process of adjusting to what it means to be a family. And in that process of adjustment, you might have lost some of the connection and some of the intimacy, and it will take special care to create it again.

Another model that I like to consider is looking at the polarity in the system. So if you think about an atom, it has a positive and a negative charge. And we have to maintain that polarity for the structure of the atom to be whole.

So that polarity can get lost in relationships when both partners are always in their masculine. And I don't just mean man versus woman when I say masculine and feminine. I mean masculine energy. So if me and Kendall are both creating structures, working hard, doing, doing, doing, controlling, controlling all the time, there's no match.

It's like having a dance with two people where both are the leaders. And there's not one leading and one following. We have to create a flow where Kendall gets to be in his masculine around this. And then I get to be in my masculine around this.

And the masculine qualities are things like structure, clarity, working, doing. That's the masculine force, whereas the feminine qualities are being in a flow, moving, the nonlinear feeling. We have to create space for both and to create a polarity that can feel whole.

Another way of looking at it is industrious versus organic. That's a model that a therapist here in town shared about. And I'll share her name in the notes. But she has a model of looking at a spectrum of how industrious are you being, which meaning producing, looking at the structure of the body.

the system in this moment of creating my course, I'm, I'm being quite industrious versus how organic are you being which is not having a timeline trusting that things will happen. The point is we need both and we need to give space for both partners to be in both at different times.

That's my opinion. And if both have fallen into one side of the spectrum, the alternative might be both have fallen into a complacent, organic feminine space where we're just waiting for things to happen.

And while that's such a beautiful part of the feminine pole, it doesn't work when both people are in it all the time. Nothing gets done that needs to get done. So just be thinking about how can you rebalance the polarity that exists within you?

Do you need to spend some more time with feminine, nonlinear emotional experiences, really activating your emotional being? Or do you need to spend some more time with your masculine, getting things done, becoming clear, structuring your schedule?

And then how can you create a more balanced experience together in the marriage or the partnership? And I do really encourage parents to create space and time to reconnect, whether that's a date night once a week, whether that's a morning coffee date once the kids have gone to school.

Even if you feel like you're too busy, it's absolutely essential that you have the time to connect. And relating to asking other people around what they did well and what worked for them, there's one other couple in our community here that also has really successfully raised children.

And when I asked them the same question, like, what's the secret? How did you make this work? How are you living in such a whole and happy way? Their secret was investing in a babysitter and budgeting for a babysitter.

Like, even though they felt like they had the time and they should be with their kids all the time, they said the moment they made a commitment and they created a budget item, no matter what, to always have a babysitter weekly and to go out and explore, everything changed.

So if that's not part of your practice already and your structure already, I really, really encourage that. Okay. A quick piece on co -parenting and blended families. There's a lot of considerations to be made when you now have two homes.

My opinion is that boundaries are the most important thing here. And boundaries doesn't mean that there's not a loving connection. I'm a part of a blended family and there's four parents involved because me and Kendall are married and then Kendall's ex -wife has a amazing man in her life that does a lot of parenting with the kids.

And there is incredible respect between the four of us, which is such a gift. But we have boundaries and we're clear that our home is very different than their home and there's nothing wrong with that.

And kids get to have two entirely different experiences in two different homes with hopefully many different loving people in their lives and parents, co -parents can connect and communicate on the things that matter in loving and respectful ways using these nonviolent communication skills and there can be boundaries around the rest.

I've worked with some families that don't create these boundaries, they each have keys to each other's homes and if that's you, that's okay, maybe you have a different relationship with this, but I just want to share that for my experience and my experience for the highly sensitive child, it can be pretty disregulating and they can end up holding too much when there aren't clear boundaries.

if there's a really difficult relationship between exes and the child's parents, then again, I encourage you to create boundaries if you've done your best to make it a positive one and it's just not available.

I encourage you, especially as your child gets older, to just say, we did our best and it's best now if mom and dad really have space from each other so that we can focus on you. And when you're sharing with your child, you're always making sure that it's clear to them that they're the priority they're taking care of no matter what.

And sometimes adults grow apart and they're not able to communicate in healthy ways and that's okay, but both parents are still here for you. And if you're here taking this course, it means that you're willing to do your own work.

And so if there's any way that you're making your child's other parent wrong, please do your work around that and get support because that's not fair. Like your child needs to feel like both parents are magnificent human beings because they are part of them.

And so any resentments or projections that you're throwing at the other parent, please do your work around. And I think it's also important to accept that because you're no longer in relationship with that person, you've chosen to separate or divorce or whatever it is, that's not the person you're doing your interpersonal work with.

So all of these tools that we've been talking about in this module are for conscious relationship where you're both growing and learning together. And that means that your attachment wounds will come up, your childhood wounds will come up.

There will be all of these ways that you will have stuck points come up that will need to be addressed and healed in our relationships. And if you're in a situation where you're no longer with your child's other parent, the agreement now is that you're not doing the work with that person.

And so you can learn to contain that energy if you want to. get resentful if you want to get angry and and look towards other relationships in order to do that healing work. And I'll also say when you're inviting new parents in, if there's step parents, if there's other partners, please be conscious.

In that process, generally, it takes a readiness for the biological parent to invite the new step parent into the parenting role role, there has to be a lot of trust and you get to take as long as you want for that trust to happen.

And it's just really important that the biological parent get really clear on their readiness. And then once they are clear, they truly invite that new step parent into a collaborative role. Reach out if you if this is you and you have questions, I have personal experience and I've done a lot of work with blended families.

I just went wanted to plant a few seeds. Lastly, in this portion, just a plug on single parenting. There's some benefits because you're the only boss, you really get to create a flow with your kids. But it can be an incredibly overwhelming experience.

And it's so important that you prioritize outside adult connection. So that it's you don't just get stuck in a bubble with your kiddos that that will eventually have you go crazy. And that you prioritize accessing extra help and self care, however you can, as much as you can.

And you'll also want to be practicing extra caution not to parentify your kids. Because subconsciously, we have needs as humans. And it can be really easy to start to get all of your connection needs met from your kiddo.

Like he's the one or she's the one that you always laugh with or she or he's the one that you process your own emotional experience with all the time. That's more than just sharing an authentic part of you like to strengthen the relationship and goodness those kids that I've worked with and I love that I get to share experiences from having worked very intimately with a lot of kids in my therapy practice.

They're holding a lot when those boundaries aren't in place for their single parent to be getting their needs met outside of the parent -child relationship. So that's that. And I'm happy to share more resources or support on any of these topics if you just reach out.

Okay, last section here is about determining shared values. So Dr. John DiMartini is an incredible transformational coach, a support to many very successful people. I'll share a link in the description below.

Thank you. to his website and specifically a quiz that he has created to determine your highest values. Spend some time with that. I won't go into too much detail of his process, but basically the concepts that he offers surrounds, is surrounded or yeah, comes from a belief that we all have top values in our life.

Often we think that what we value isn't actually what we value because truly what we value is where we're putting our time and energy, not towards what we think we should be or what we think we should value.

So he's created a quiz, a test where you share in detail about where you spend your time and energy. And then it comes out with your top values on a pie chart. It's incredible. And knowing those values can really help you make choices like is this commitment that I'm making in line with my values, or if it's not and I want to make the commitment, how can I connect it with my values?

And it can just be really powerful. So I encourage you to take that quiz, it'll be included in the module. But more broadly, when it comes to parenting, and when it comes to this course, it's important to take time with your partner, your spouse, to come up with a list of your highest values together.

So that when you're making parenting choices, you can check in, is this according to our highest values? So for example, in our family, it actually share a copy of the values that we've come up with in my marriage that really support us in moments where there needs to be a decision made, or if we want to remember what's actually important.

But the example I want to share is, if your highest value as a family is emotional support and understanding for your kids, and academics and knowledge is much further down the list, or doesn't even make the list of top values, when you're looking for a school for your child, you'll be looking for a school that offers really good social emotional support, not necessarily a school with the highest academic rigor.

And that will be a choice that will probably be in really high integrity for your family. If you haven't taken the time to consider what your true values are and what your shared values with your spouse are, you'll be acting in a way that's just repeating the imprinting that you got from your parents or from culture, and isn't actually true for you.

So I might, if I haven't taken the time to do this, put my child in college prep school from kindergarten, because that's what my parents did for me. And I might end up getting a few years in and realizing this really wasn't the right choice for my child, or the right choice for me, because I hadn't taken the time to come up with my unique values.

So parenting based on your values and feeling like you're showing up in integrity is so much more important than being right. I'll share some example values, and then I'll encourage you to go through an exercise.

This will be in the homework with your partner, where you come up with a list of your personal values, and then you bridge them together to create a family list of values that you can refer to and meditate with and consider for the long run.

These values might change in time, we've done a revamp to our list of values when priorities changed a little bit as we continue to grow and heal, but you'll have a place to start. Okay, so we covered why the parental relationship patterns and having them be positive matter so much to your sensitive child, why communication is important and how to do it, how to prioritize and remember intimacy, some tips around blended families and single parenting,

and then values and knowing your value system. I hope that this was helpful. Reach out with any questions. And lastly, I want to make a strong argument for, again, the fact that it takes a village and having external support, having a couple's therapist or a parent coach that knows you, knows your relationship, knows your family, and that you can come back to anytime you need to work something out can be an absolute game changer and sometimes is just necessary for a family system.

Kendall and I have a mentor. You could call her a couple's therapist, but she's truly just a mentor. I've known her for six years. She supported me therapeutically at the beginning. And now she is our couple's person that we go to.

We see her monthly now. At one time it was more frequent. And we sometimes have six hour sessions with her where we make a commitment to bring any of the tense points that came up in our dynamic because parenting is hard work.

Being in the world is hard work. And we bring them to the safe space that we have with her. And then we just unpack them and we process them and we move through it and we heal. And it's been such a beautiful way to contain any interpersonal process that wants to come up because we can just say, I hear you.

There's something up there for you. Let's save it for Jenny. That's the name of our mentor. And we know and we trust that whatever needs to unwind will unwind and get fixed. And there will be solutions in the safety of that container.

So sharing a little bit about myself in hopes that it de -stigmatizes any resistance that you have towards getting support and finding other safe people to be vulnerable with. We are not meant to do this alone.

All of this takes practice. Enjoy the material. Enjoy weaving it into your family's structure. And I will see you for the last module soon.