TUNED IN MODULE 1

Transcript

Welcome to module one, why highly sensitive kiddos need a different type of parenting. So in this module, I will cover an intro to tuned in parenting, an intro to the highly sensitive child, and then we'll go through five principles that I know have been very helpful for parents of highly sensitive kiddos.

So that's the overview. So you have an idea of what's coming and I'm so glad you're here. It's you're going to hopefully feel so excited and empowered by the end of this conversation for the journey ahead.

And hopefully you'll also be walking away with some tips to be using right away. Actually, I know you will be walking away with some tips to be using right away as you'll see, as we move forward with the modules, I'll often give information for the linear logical brain.

And I think that's a really good way to ground and feel a sense of control. And then there will also always be some more heart based therapeutic approaches to understanding the shifts that can be happening for you and your family as you heal and grow and move into higher consciousness together.

So both are important. And if you're one that likes one better than the other, that's great. Just as always, let whatever lands land, let whatever doesn't land go and you're going to get exactly what you need in this course.

I just know it. Okay, so relaxed parenting for the highly sensitive child is really about stepping off the ledge. I was noticing in my practice and my therapy practice with many families in Denver, Colorado that parents were coming in panicked and they were feeling a sense of urgency, chaos, really overwhelm around their child and that wasn't helping.

So here their child is with high sensitivities. and high intuition and so much wisdom and, and also can be a lot sometimes. And what they're getting in response, what the child's getting in response is a parent that's also overwhelmed.

And that was just exacerbating the child. So it was going like this. And so the medicine, like the way to actually stop this cycle was for parents on this side to become more relaxed and really just hold space for their child to do whatever their child's doing, and then eventually meet them in this place of more relaxation.

So already in this moment, just consider like, how much of the time are you showing up to a parenting moment in trigger, in urgency, in chaos, and nothing wrong with it. We're going to talk about so many ways to not do that, but just, just pay attention and like have an honest moment with yourself.

Like how much of the time do I do this? And the overall goal of this entire course, if you take this one thing, take this. It's to have the ability to receive the emotions of your child without being in trigger or pattern.

And I rather I should say maladaptive pattern. So to receive the emotions of our children, just be there receive be present without being in trigger and reaction and overwhelm and all of the patterns that we don't like.

So just let that land for a moment and know that by the end of this course you will have tools to do that. So, I want to talk about highly sensitive children. They make up 15 to 20% of the population according to Dr.

Elaine Aaron who's an expert in highly sensitive people, she actually went to the same program that I'm currently getting my PhD from so that's an exciting connection I didn't realize that until I was creating this course.

I've always looked up to her. So, I'm going to refer to Dr. Elaine Aaron, a lot as well as some other researchers just to give your brain an understanding of where some of this information is coming from.

So, in the research that was done, it was proven that highly sensitive people experience the world in a different way. So, whereas non highly sensitive people might have more of a filter for information.

It's actually part of their information processing system. There's, there's more of a filter there. Sensitive people don't quite have that filter so they process all of the external stimuli in more intense ways, which has pros and cons because if we can really feel everything and really take in information.

I say we because I'm also a highly sensitive person and I imagine many of you taking this course are actually no some of you that are signed up are for a fact. And so we feel all the things. We've taken everything.

I'll get into more in a little bit. There's research on how we experience everything more, both positive and negative. So if something's really good, it's like we feel how good that is. And if something's really bad, we feel how bad that is.

So it's not a bad thing. We're just absorbing a lot and we're holding onto it more. So here's some traits of the highly sensitive child. And I just want you to feel into, does my child have this? No, as part of the research and science on highly sensitive people, it was determined that to be highly sensitive, to be one of those 15 to 20% of the population, you don't have to have all of the traits.

You just have to have some of them, but it's not a spectrum. So you're not like a little bit highly sensitive. You're either a highly sensitive person or you're not. You either have activations in the parts of the brain that represent being highly sensitive or you don't really have them as much.

So yeah, just know it's kind of your child is highly sensitive or not. And with that said, I believe that this material can be helpful for all of your children, even if you have those that aren't highly sensitive.

Okay, so highly sensitive children traits. One, big reactions to sensory stimulation. So it might be like, I'm so itchy, I can't handle it. Or like, it's too loud, I need to stop now. More meltdowns than peers.

So you may have that part of you that's in comparison, like, oh, the other kids just know how to chill and you so don't. That's so normal. I hear that from parents all the time about their kids. Three, a high need for control, which can result in rigidity and inflexibility.

Fear and caution in new situations. A brain that has a difficult time shutting off. Perfectionism. How many of you have that one? Low self -esteem and self -deprecating thoughts. This is a really big one.

So many parents call me and say like, I know my child's brilliant, but when I hear them saying they're the worst, like, it's just so hard to stomach. Other traits are high intuition and perception. That's one of the superpowers.

Awareness of the subtleties. So your highly sensitive child might notice that you moved something in the living room that other kids would just not even notice. Deep inner reactions and awareness of other reactions.

So the purpose of sharing this is to normalize that these are traits of highly sensitive people. And if your child has them, there's nothing wrong with them. It's not your fault. It's not your child's fault.

Your child's not being difficult on purpose. It's just that they're in the process of learning how to manage these sets of traits. Just like a child with a medical. issue would learn in time, okay, this is something that I have, this is something that I have to work with, and they would get the right support, and they would know themselves, and their parents would understand them, and it doesn't,

and the reason I'm saying this is like it doesn't have to be such a big deal if we just understand our kiddos and what it means for them to be highly sensitive. So a couple more things about the highly sensitive person.

We can have the experience of suffering more until we learn to manage our energy, and our children might seem like they're really suffering a lot because it's just a lot, it's just a lot for them to be in school and being told to just calm down and look at their work when they're feeling everything, but it actually becomes a superpower when highly sensitive kids and adults learn that they have higher intuition.

they can perceive the subtleties, they can feel the highs and the lows more like it can be something they're proud of. We just have to learn how to do this ourselves and then teach our children how to do this too.

Yeah, so I don't know if if you're sensitive yourself or if you see this in your child, have you ever see have you ever made it? Have you ever felt like your kid is just making things too complicated and too complex?

Um, that's really just a symptom of their deeper processing. It's not anything to push down, we just have to learn to work with it differently. So something that is important to understand is the concept of differential susceptibility.

So it's the idea, like I said earlier, that highly sensitive people react more to both positive and negative experiences. So there was a study, and I'll cite this in the notes and happy to share it with you, that studied the brain activity when highly sensitive people looked at pleasant and unpleasant experiences.

So pleasant experiences were like puppies, kittens, birthday cakes, and unpleasant experiences were snakes and spiders. Their brains actually got more activated in the areas of perception of the brain, like in the areas where there's the higher areas where there's perception, they got more activated than the non sensitive people.

And it didn't matter if it was the positive or negative experience, they still got activated. However, they were a little bit more activated for the positive experience, which is a good thing. But they were actually more susceptible to the experiences.

So this is really important to think about when it comes to parenting, because some of the same researchers also studied that for the same reason for because of the differential susceptibility, those with high sensitivity like had, were worse off if they had harsh parenting.

Imagine if you're a non -sensitive child and you have a pretty harsh parent who's like, you're wrong, do what I say. It's like, oh, my parent is harsh, but they find a way not to take it all in. The highly sensitive child really takes it in.

So it's really important that you're here now and you're looking at how can I support my child in a way that really works for them because highly sensitive people also respond better to better parenting.

So they do really, really, really well in their future if they had parenting that works for them. So know that you being here really matters right now. So just a couple more ideas on the genetic evidence.

You may have heard of sensory processing disorder. This is where... kiddos find it difficult to combine information received through the different senses in an organized way. So it's like, I'm smelling something I'm hearing, it gets really confusing.

This is different. So your child might have some sensory processing parts too, but just know I'm talking about something a little bit different. And so that's why I made this course because there's a whole lot out there for sensory processing disorder, but not a lot on parenting high sensitivities.

Okay, little bit more genetic evidence I want your brain to hear so that you can really buy into this. So Steven Suomi, this was in the 1980s and 1990s. He studied rhesus monkeys, and he found monkeys who had a genetic variation that represented the uptight gene.

So this meant that they were uptight and they were more affected by stress. So when these monkeys who had the uptight gene were given to skilled mothers, they did really well and they became the leaders of their troops.

When they were given to not very skilled and understanding and aware mothers, they didn't do well, they really, they really didn't do well, and they suffered a lot. So if you are someone who you who might have that uptight gene or just means that you receive stress more and it stays there for longer, no, it can be a really good thing if you learn how to channel it towards just being aware of what matters instead of getting stuck and ruminating thoughts and actually not knowing how to come off the ledge when you're stressed.

And we're going to get a lot more into the nervous system in module two, and you'll have a deeper understanding of what's actually happening for you and your kids when you're getting amped up and then how you can come down more quickly.

So yeah, in Elaine Aaron's research, it was found that being a highly sensitive person made one more likely to be unhappy and prone to worry. especially for kids, but that highly sensitive kiddos are in a position to actually gain more than other children from good parenting and teaching.

So if you're here, you know you have a highly sensitive child, you know that they might be struggling, that you're seeing them in worry or being unhappy, or maybe it's all coming out in anger. Know that that's normal.

It's just a part of their makeup. It's a part of them feeling it all and not knowing what to do with it, but as you get in a position of really good, relaxed, intentional parenting, they will benefit so much.

Okay, so just taking a pause, I'm going to have a sip of water, and I invite you to also take a pause, feel your hips, take a breath, and we're going to move on to the last section of this module, which is a pretty big one.

But here's where I hope to give you some tips to already be taking away from this. And then next time, we're gonna get a lot back more into the brain and the nervous system. And so if you liked what was just there, there's a lot more of that coming.

And this is more for your conscious mind and your heart to feel like you have some takeaways today, to help your child. So when I started to create this course, I interviewed several parents who had worked with me and really benefited from their work with me.

In fact, a lot of these parents said things like, it's totally different now, like you changed our family's life with this content. We just can't imagine having not learned these things that we learned.

So as I was reviewing with these families, I asked them like, what was the shift? What were the takeaways or the one or two top things that actually created a shift for you and your family? And I actually recorded it all.

I used an app where you could transcribe all the interviews and then I extracted information from those interviews. And I came up with the top five principles of tuned -in parenting that I know create a lot of shifts for parents.

So I'm gonna go through each one. You also have a list of this on Teachable, on the teaching platform. And after I talk about each one, I'm going to give you a tip to be thinking about over the next four days that you can put into practice right away.

So tuned -in parenting principle number one. Relax into the present moment and replace any sense of urgency. with patients. So kids make us feel like everything is urgent. And I'll be sharing some information next week on what's happening in their brain that like actually makes this a real thing like they really do feel like things are urgent and need to happen now.

However, it's our job as parents with more developed brains to show them a different way to show them that it doesn't have to happen in this moment and that we can actually tolerate the distress of not getting what we want in this very moment and still be okay.

So we step off the ledge, we come back into safety. And our kids will see that they'll see that we're doing it a different way and they will start to try it on. So there's nothing wrong with your child or your children for being in this way.

So we don't have to get mad at them for wanting it right now. But we do need to show them how to live in a place where urgency doesn't exist. So this is for everyday parenting moments. And this is also for supporting your child through a bigger process.

Like if they've been feeling really down on themselves, or they've been feeling like their brother or sister never want to play with them, or they've been feeling like they're not good enough, or wherever they're having struggles, it's a process.

And if you can relax into the moment with right now and to the story or the feeling that they want to share with you right now, we can actually support instead of feeling like we have to fix something right away.

That doesn't actually feel great for kids for us to just jump into fixing and problem solving before they're received in the feeling. The tip for this first principle is understanding and learning the gaze of adoration.

So as I've worked with families, I've noticed a pattern when they first come in to see me that a lot of times they have forgotten to adore their child. They've been so stressed so naturally. So they've been trying to support their kiddos through regulating their emotions and regulating their bodies.

And they've forgotten to look at how adorable their children are. So there's a whole write up on this that you'll see in the module, but the invitation is to feel yourself starting to get frustrated with your child, like they need another cooking now or whatever it is.

Pause, come back to your body, actually orient towards what's good, like what feels good in this moment. Is it that taking a breath feels really good? Is it even just the thought of, you know, some delicious tea that you'd like to drink and then orient back towards your child and see them?

through the gaze of wellness, instead of through what's wrong with them and what's wrong with you. I guarantee you this will create a shift and your child will feel so much better being seen with adoration instead of horror.

And so yeah, try that at least once a day. Number two, trust and honor your child's process as a mirror of your own process. That's a really big one that I hear from parents a lot. It's like, oh yeah, my child's in a process.

They're growing and shifting and learning. And we have to have struggle. We have to have contraction before we have expansion. And later in the course, I'll be sharing details on different developmental stages.

So you have even more information on what challenges and struggles your children might be naturally going through in any moment. But the point is that it's a process and we get to trust our kids in their process and not try to fix it for them and not try to tell them how to heal or grow or change.

And then one step deeper, maybe you've already tapped into this and you already believe this, and if not, I invite you to try it on just for this course that our children really mirror our own stuck points.

I don't know why or how, but I know that every single time I start working with a new family and they tell me what is feeling really difficult in their child, there's always some preexisting trigger in the parent, like whether it's loud noises, whether it's not feeling good enough.

And it might be that your child is, like what they're doing is triggering you, like when they punch you in the face, that's an extra big trigger for you. Or it might just be that their trigger rubs a wound in you.

So if I have a daughter who is really perfectionist and like is so mad at herself, whenever she doesn't get the lines exactly right in her drawing, that's a harder one for me to hang out with because I'm a perfectionist.

Like I'm like, oh yeah, like I'm not, it's harder for me to support her in that because it's my own wounding too. But the joke of it all is that I actually get to support her most in that when I heal that in myself.

So when I can like fully let go of some of my perfectionism and truly not care about if it's perfect on the paper, she will see that and she will also get to grow and heal. Yeah, there was a study on Colorado Public Radio here in Colorado, where I live of interviewing parents and asking them, parents of all.

older children, and asking them, no, sorry, they actually interviewed parents of all ages, I believe. They asked, Would you want to skip ahead 30 years from now, when you know that your child is a functioning adult and doing really well?

Or would you want to stay in this moment and not know how it's going to turn out and have to sit in the unknown of that? And every parent chose to have the 30 years and not skip ahead. So the takeaway is, we want the process, we want the journey.

That's why we had children to, to be in this process with them. Yeah. So the tip for this one is taking time to zoom out into a bird's eye view of the greater story of your life. We started to do that in the meditation for this module, but we'll do a more extensive version soon.

But when you really zoom out and you remember that there was life before children, your children were babies, small children, they'll be older children, teenagers, adults, and onward, you can remember that this is just one small moment, even though it feels like everything.

So when you catch yourself gripping or trying to control things in any way, just taking that pause and zooming out to the bird's eye view of your life. You can literally imagine like an eagle rising up above the situation, and remembering that this is just one moment.

Number three, prioritized connection. So connection is a basic human need. We all need it there. There were studies, international studies at or I believe in Russia of orphanages, where children were just given the basics, actually babies were just given the basics, like food, and a place to sleep, but they weren't given nurturing touch.

And many of those babies didn't survive. It's a syndrome called failure to thrive. And so I share that just as a reminder that we really need connection, like we really, really, really, really need connection, even when we think we want to isolate and push people away and be alone.

It's a basic human need to feel connected to others. So it's really unfortunate that often when our children need us most, like when they're like, I don't know what to do with this feeling. I don't know what to do with this set of beliefs.

We have the impulse to take space. We'll talk about very soon here that sometimes we have to set boundaries and take space so that we can model self love really, and encourage our kids to connect to themselves on their own.

But at their root of everything is their need to feel connected to us, especially when they're in their greatest struggles. Dan Siegel is a doctor who writes lots of books on children. It's in the recommended reading that I had offered.

Whole Brain Child is one of his books. And in that book, he talks about a technique called connect to redirect. So one way to redirect your children is to like really connect with them and then redirect them towards something else that's not so triggering.

But well, you know, that tool is offered for all children. I sometimes think you need a little bit more for sensitive kids and sometimes the average parenting techniques don't even work for sensitive kids.

Yeah, but I really encourage you to connect with your kiddos before there's a trigger or before everyone's in chaos. So prioritizing one -on -one time with your children as much as you can is really helpful.

So the tip for this is to prioritize at least five minutes of one -to -one time per day. I'll put some directions in the module around what you might offer during this time and how you might approach it, but this is something that can be incredibly shifting for families and for kids if you haven't tried it already.

If kids know that every day they're going to get that one -on -one time with you where they will feel received and there won't be distractions from phones or kids or anything else, they respond really well because they know that they will get positive attention and they won't have to give you cries for negative attention later.

15 minutes is really best, but five minutes can go a long way. It's just about making sure that you offer that time. Number four, embrace loving boundaries. So important. There's a whole module on loving boundaries later, so I won't go into it too much, but kids feel really dysregulated when they don't know what the rules and boundaries are.

And if you're giving too much and you're trying to help and support in a moment that you really have to hold instead of boundary, it doesn't work for everyone. So in this course, you'll learn to acknowledge your child's experience and emotions, set a boundary, and then also acknowledge their reaction to that boundary, but not to move the boundary.

I like to call it loving containment. So it's a way of saying your feeling is okay. We're here with you, but your behavior is not okay. And so I need you to take some space. The tip for this one is not as particular, but it's just starting to get curious on how you can become more clear.

and consistent in your boundaries. So not wavering, kids will test the boundaries. They will do that anyway, but they will especially test them if it's not clear. So it's taking that moment of, am I being consistent in the boundary that we don't have candy in the morning?

How can I just be clear with my kids? Candy is not for eating in the morning. Sorry, like it's like, and I hear that you're upset about that and you get to be upset and there's nothing wrong with you for being upset, but candy is not for eating in the morning.

Number five and final, show up authentically and with curiosity. It is incredibly disregulating to the nervous system to be in front of something that's not true. So if I'm smiling at you, but I'm saying, I'm so mad at you, you're the worst.

Your system gets really confused. Like what the heck is up with this lady? So your kids, intuitive, wise, sensitive kids, they really know when you're not being true and they really just want to feel you.

I know that it's one of my highest values to be authentic and true to myself while I'm therapeutically working with kids in my private practice and that alone creates so much healing. Often parents talk about long after them bringing their children to see me, like they just really want to come back or they said they felt so good when they were with you and they want to remember what that's like.

Like, what were you doing? And I remind parents all the time, I'm not doing very much. I'm just being present and open and curious and I'm being myself. Like I'm having authentic reactions to these kiddos ups and downs and quirky parts.

And so I just encourage you to get more and more curious about what it means for you to be authentic. One of my favorite quotes is by the poet Mary Oliver. She says, you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

And we're all still working on this. We are all still working on how to be more true, how to be more congruent in who we are and we're doing a really good job. The tip for this one is self -care, self -care, self -care, self -care, self -care and self -connection.

And self -connection can really only happen in moments that we're taking care to connect with ourselves is an essential ingredient ingredient is an essential ingredient to showing up. authentically and with curiosity.

So if you can schedule in a minimum of 10 minutes per day of connection with self, whether that's exercise, whether that's journaling, whether that's listening to a guided meditation, you will feel such a difference and your kiddos will feel such a difference.

I'll just share one more brainy thing around this, around the congruency and the authenticity. There was a study of mothers, this one's it's a little bit dark, but it was with mothers holding their babies in a bomb shelter during wartime.

And they were saying to their kiddos, I'm okay, I'm not scared. But their kids were actually freaking out more because they could feel that they're, they were confused. It's like you're saying you're not scared, but obviously you're very scared.

And so it's actually better for the child's nervous system to be honest with how you're feeling. So obviously that's an extreme situation, but if you're in a moment where you're feeling scared or worried or overwhelmed, you can say that you can let your kids know like, this feels like a lot for me.

Like it feels like so much that I don't even know what to do right now. Part of me just wants to walk away, like you can just have these really authentic and congruent interactions with yourself and your kiddos and you will see a difference in the trust that is there, the trust that is there to regulate together.

Thank you for listening. I know that this was the longer one. But it's the intro and it's the start of your journey. Please reach out with any thoughts or questions. I'm here for you and I'm just so excited.

Take care. Thank you.