5-Year-Old Emotional Meltdowns: Why is My 5-Year-Old so Emotional?
Takeaway: When your little one has big emotions, it can be tough to know how to help them–especially when you feel like you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. In this post, I’ll break down everything you need to know about 5-year-old emotional outbursts so you can understand why they happen and how to help your child feel better.
It's natural for kids to have big feelings. (After all, we adults do, too!). However, the intensity and frequency of your 5-year-old's meltdowns can be overwhelming. You might wonder whether it's typical for children their age or whether you should be worried about their tantrums.
Seeing your child struggle with intense emotions can be especially tough when you're not sure how to help them. As a parent, you want your kiddo to be happy and healthy, and it might feel really distressing if you can't help them calm down. Unfortunately, kids can pick up on our emotions as parents, and it can lead to even more stress for the whole family.
Rest assured, this does not mean you're a bad parent! Many of us weren't taught the skills we need to cope with our own emotions, let alone teach someone else how to do it. The good news is that there is plenty you can do and learn to help yourself and your children in these situations. I've seen radical transformation occur with so many of my parent coaching clients, and I know it's possible for you, too.
Your guide to 5-year-old emotional outbursts
As a parent to a 5-year-old, you've likely seen your fair share of temper tantrums. You also know your child and family better than anyone else. With that being said, there's always more to learn! None of us are perfect parents, and building our knowledge and toolkit can only help moving forward.
The first step in effectively navigating your child's tantrums is understanding what they look like and why they occur. While this might seem obvious to some people, many parents struggle to decode their child's feelings and behavior, especially when their kiddo struggles with frequent tantrums and/or severe tantrums.
Starting here can give you the information you need to truly understand how your child feels and help you feel more confident navigating your child's emotions.
Understanding childhood temper tantrums
As you may know, tantrums occur for all sorts of different reasons. Each child and situation is unique, so it's impossible to generalize about how they might feel or act. With that being said, there are many common signs of toddler tantrums. Here are a few to look out for.
Crying and screaming
When children throw tantrums, they often have trouble using their words. Instead, they use behaviors like whining, crying, and shouting to express themselves. While this can be highly stressful as a parent, remember that your kiddo likely feels super overwhelmed in this moment, too.
Holding their breath
Other children might turn to breath-holding during tantrums. There are two different types of breath-holding spells: cyanotic spells and pallid spells. During a cyanotic breath-holding spell, a child's face turns blue, typically in response to anger. During a pallid spell, a child feels scared and their face often turns white.
Going limp or stiffening up
When your child is dealing with intense feelings, they might use their body to help get their emotions out. This could involve going totally rigid, arching their back, and tensing their muscles. Or, the opposite could occur: going limp and dropping to the floor.
Other common tantrum behaviors
There are many other behaviors that can come along with emotional outbursts. Your child might throw things, flail their body around, kick, or hit. During severe tantrums, your kiddo might even engage in self-injurious behavior, like banging their head. This can be scary and overwhelming for both you and your child.
Causes of 5-year-old meltdowns
As we touched on earlier, tantrums can occur for all sorts of different reasons. Getting to know your child's unique triggers can help make sense of their behavior and emotions. However, if you're having trouble identifying the reasons behind your kiddo's outbursts, here are some factors to consider.
Your child's brain is still developing
At age 5, your child's brain is going through a growth spurt. Specifically, they're developing their fight-or-flight system, which can come with a lot of strong feelings. While your little one is working toward important developmental milestones around emotional regulation, this takes time—and plenty of trial and error.
Understanding your child's brain can help you meet them where they're at. My TUNED IN parenting course covers this in great detail, so I highly encourage you to check it out if you're interested in learning more about how your kiddo's brain works.
Your child might be highly sensitive
By nature, some children are more sensitive than others. If your little one struggles with sensory overload, is super reactive to harsh discipline, seems to need more downtime than other kids, and has particularly intense feelings, they might be a highly sensitive child.
Research from Dr. Elaine Aron, a clinical psychologist and expert in highly sensitive people (HSP) suggests that approximately 20% of the population has the high sensitivity trait. This presents both a gift and a challenge: your child is more highly attuned with themselves and the world around them, but this can also be exhausting and overwhelming.
Your child might have a behavioral or emotional disorder
According to experts, there are certain mental health issues and developmental disorders that can cause your child to have more tantrums than their peers. Here are some examples of the kinds of conditions that can lead to intense or frequent meltdowns:
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
Sensory processing disorders
Learning disorders
Anxiety
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)
Your child might also have one of these disorders on top of other challenges. For example, some autistic children might also have the high sensitivity trait. No matter your child's unique situation, it's important to remember that it's not their fault—or yours as a parent. Together, you can learn how to make big feelings more manageable.
Is it normal for my 5-year-old to melt down every day?
I tend to avoid terms like "normal," but I can empathize with the desire to understand whether your child is okay and if you're doing your job as a parent. While each child is their own unique person, experts agree that short, daily tantrums can be developmentally typical in preschool-aged children.
Remember, your child's brain is still developing the skills and structures needed to manage emotions. It will take practice, time, and patience before they're able to do this consistently. In fact, many of us adults are still practicing how to express and cope with our feelings!
The truth is, tantrums can be triggering for parents. We might feel overwhelmed by our child throwing a tantrum, or even feel embarrassed or inadequate as a parent. This can lead to us having our own emotional meltdowns back at them. We might yell at our kids, shame them, or punish them as a result.
If you identify with this, you're not alone. Many parents struggle to respond to their child's tantrums with positive behaviors of their own. However, you do have the power to shift your responses and help your child manage their big feelings.
It's important to know that tantrums aren't your fault—and they're not your kiddo's fault, either. Understanding your child's behavior and unpacking your own emotions around their meltdowns can be a powerful shift toward supporting them (and yourself) more effectively.
Navigating 5-year-old emotional meltdowns
Now that we're clear on what exactly temper tantrums are, we can learn how to approach them differently (and more effectively). While there's no formula to guarantee a certain reaction from your kiddo, there are plenty of tips you can try to prevent and manage your 5-year-old's meltdowns.
Tips for preventing emotional meltdowns
5-year-olds are bound to have temper tantrums from time to time. However, with intention and attunement, it is possible to reduce the frequency. Here are some strategies you can use to nip tantrums in the bud before they occur.
Understand your child's triggers
One of the best ways to prevent temper tantrums is to learn your child's triggers. You know your child best, so you might already have a sense of what causes their emotional meltdowns. If you're not sure what triggers your child, here are a few examples:
Physical needs like hunger, fatigue, and needing to use the bathroom
Sensory overload (think: loud noises, bright lights)
Transitions, such as leaving the house for preschool
Being asked to stop a favorable activity (like playing) and start an undesirable activity (like bathing)
Lack of control
Once you have a deeper understanding of what upsets your child, you'll be better equipped to support them in the moment when a tantrum does occur.
Build a consistent routine
Experts from the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) agree that having a consistent schedule is an effective way of preventing temper tantrums. Creating this predictability can help your child understand what to expect in their daily life, which can help them feel more at ease and in control.
At the same time, it's important for your child to learn how to be flexible. There will always be times when a routine needs to change, so their daily structure shouldn't be so rigid to the point where they never encounter a slight disruption.
Practice communication skills
At age 5, children learn important social and emotional skills that can help them learn how to better regulate their feelings. Practicing communication skills, like talking about their feelings, can give your child the tools they need to let you know when something's wrong.
It's important to practice these skills outside of the temper tantrum itself. When your child is triggered, they might not be able to find the words to describe how they feel. Practicing at a time when they feel calm and grounded is a more effective way to learn.
Strategies to support 5-year-old emotional regulation in the moment
Of course, tantrums aren't fully preventable. As we've discussed, they're actually a normal reaction for kiddos of this age group. Learning skills for calming tantrums can help you support your child when big emotions inevitably come up.
Practice deep breathing
Guiding your child with some deep breaths is a powerful way to regulate strong emotions. Deep breathing can help our brains switch on our relaxation response when our fight-or-flight mechanism has been activated.
Remember, younger children are still developing their fight-or-flight systems. Teaching them these skills can help support their brain health both now and for years to come. Plus, you can make it fun. Have your kiddo blow into a pinwheel or trace their fingers with each inhale and exhale.
Try a guided meditation
Guided meditations are another great way to help your child soothe themselves during a temper tantrum. My butterfly body scan can teach your kiddo to get in tune with their body sensations and explore how they're feeling in a difficult moment.
Plus, parents and siblings can take part so the whole family can find a sense of peace when things are feeling intense!
Set loving boundaries
Setting boundaries with your child can be difficult. For example, your child might throw tantrums when you ask them to brush their teeth at night. You might want to give in just to make the tantrum stop (which is totally understandable).
However, this isn't an effective long-term strategy. Setting loving boundaries (AKA being firm with what you asked of them) provides a healthy, supportive container for your child—even if they struggle with it at first. As parents, we're responsible for holding these lines in a compassionate, loving way even when it's tough.
Validate your child's feelings
As we've discussed, tantrums can often occur when your child is experiencing intense feelings. While they might not be expressing those feelings in a safe or desirable way, their emotions are valid.
During an outburst, it's important to hold space for your child's emotions. Of course, you can still them new skills to self-regulate. However, making sure they know it's okay to have big feelings can help strengthen your parent-child bond.
What to avoid when your 5-year-old is having a meltdown
Knowing what to avoid during a tantrum is just as important as understanding what can help. Here are a few things to steer clear of when your child is having an emotional meltdown.
Don't tell them to stop crying
It's natural to want your child to be calm and happy. At the same time, it's also okay for them to be sad, upset, angry, frustrated, anxious, and all the other emotions we typically label "negative." Telling your child to stop crying might make them feel like their emotions aren't valid or acceptable.
Don't reward "negative" behavior
This is where those loving boundaries come in. If you always give in to your child's tantrums, you teach them that this behavior is an effective way to get what they want. Staying firm yet compassionate with your boundaries is hard, but it teaches your child that you're consistent.
Don't try to reason with them
Logic goes out the window when your child is triggered. The middle of a temper tantrum isn't the time to reason with your kiddo. Instead, provide a safe container for them to express their emotions and calm down.
Parent coaching can help you find more ease in family life
You've done your best so far to support your 5-year-old through their emotional meltdowns. However, there's always more we can learn to help our kiddos cope with big feelings. So much of it starts with how we respond as parents.
On one hand, this can feel like a lot of pressure. On the other hand, it can be incredibly empowering: you have the power to control how you react and respond, creating more ease in your family as a result.
The best part is that you don't have to figure this out all on your own. My parent coaching services are specifically designed for parents like yours who are curious about how they can show up differently for themselves and their children. Plus, my TUNED IN parenting course has all the tips and tools you need to make these changes at your own pace.
If you're interested in learning more about which option is right for you and your family, I encourage you to reach out for a free consultation. I'm happy to address any questions, concerns, or feedback you might have. I look forward to connecting with you and discussing how my team and I can help!